House's Diagnosis
by Gayton is Closetdweller
Summary: Dr. House is sick of the insolence of his pitiful patients.
1. Planet Split

It was just another day with all the sick pathetic weaklings being wheeled back and forth, when Gregory House overheard a dying woman poorly singing his favorite song. Enraged by her insolent faggotry, House lit his face on fire, then swalled 487 Vicodin, allowing him to transform into Sexy Samurai Supreme. But his leg was still fat.

House summoned his cane from the dimension of succubi and used it to fire chunks of Australia at his patients. He flew into space and sliced the Earth in half with it, hungry for a planet split. It was then he realized he was Jewish, and his dick was rubbing against Jupiter. He laughed.

Lisa Cuddy throttled towards him with her breasts, which were laser rockets. She summoned her zanmato, Knife Party, from the void where Dr. Foreman's heart should be but never was. The might of Knife Party surged through Cuddy, causing her legs to become airplanes and her spleen to explode. She is now a vampire, and she has sexist thoughts.

Cuddy swung Knife Party at House, who deflected it with his cane. Chase caught both weapons and ate them, causing him to turn blue and smell of Hippocrates. He turned to crab meat as he was finally able to grasp the true meaning of art, a manly tear flooding his eye before it became ricotta cheese.

House's right fist combusted with the fury of a trillion scorned dragons as he punched it through Chase's skull, removing his brain for use as an offering to the goddess Fleppity. Fleppity hated brains, so she dowsed House in lymph. He laughed as his thighs imploded, turning him into a fuckdemon. House the fuckdemon chased after Cuddy, his 92 spiky, 7-foot 5-inch dongs raring for action. She laughed at him. How pitiful of a fucking male to think he could rape her. Cuddy bit all of his dongs off at once, relishing the splatter of blood which blasted off in her direction. She howled as consuming House's blood turned her into a super vampire. Her skin was replaced by chainsaws and her face became a wormhole, leading to a dimension where surgeons were faceless dragons and sexually assaulted their patients using roofies as anaesthesia. Cuddy chopped the universe in half with her name, then put the halves in sandwich bags. She was going to serve universewiches at her next meeting.

House pouted. "I hate universe! I want planet!" he stole a bag from Cuddy and removed a planet from its half of the universe. It was an inhabited world, a rock known as Ciphalis, which was once the richest place in the universe before dubstep killed all of its floral life. Only the lava mantises remain, a race of 25-legged, all-female cockroaches who give birth every 5 seconds and smell of dick warts no matter how much perfume they wear. House ate Ciphalis, putting the lava mantis race out of its fallen misery once and for all. He thought of Disneyland as Cuddy combusted, creating a new universe. House laughed.


	2. Not Related to Law School

House brandished his howling cane, a bewitching blizzard befixing his bleeding balls. He blasted through the pearly gates of Heaven and throttled into God's palace, fantasies of flaming cinnamon buns dancing within his unsanitary skull. The myths of God were all wrong; he was not a he, but rather a being of a new gender entirely, for which the pronouns are shke, shkiers, and shkerm. Shke objected to House bursting into shkiers dwelling. House furiously interrogated shkerm, demanding the fuck out of shkiers indefinite supply of Ultradin. Shke refused, because shkiers Vicodin supply had been pilfered by the pulsar pirates. House dissected shkerm, removing shkiers gonads, which, naturally, were neither ovaries nor testes; they were follotules.

House flew to Jeremiah, the world the pulsar pirates called home. He leveled its largest city by launching a payload from the space in his thigh where leg muscle once was. He had an IGBM launcher installed in the void.

House's destruction of Neutron City summoned the World President, the last lava mantis, named Shidoopy. Enraged by his detruction of her world and of her utopian pulsar pirate nations, Shidoopy attacked House, beating him with Chase's eyecheese, which was now harder than diamond. House laughed as he whipped out God's follotules.

"Not the holy follotules!" With power to obliterate even the crustiest of Chase eyecheese, Shidoopy combusted into a poisonous cloud of autism, which House avoided. Using Knife Party, he diced the pulsar into elegantly executed wedge chunks; they were arranged on a black hole platter with such grace and beauty, all the chefs in the universe shed manly tears at the mere sight of it. House snarfed down the pulsar chunks, donating nothing to food bank.

The pulsar chunks went straight to his thighs, causing them to become so fat they crushed the universe. House started rolling, forming a universe snowball. He crashed into the 9th dimension, tore right through it, then ripped straight through the 10th and 11th dimensions until finally entering the mystical 12th dimension. It was both everything and nothing; trying to grasp it is not advised for it can transform any brain into the harbinger of the beginning and the end. House poked a hole in the 12th dimension with the raging stiffy he could not stifle from extincting the pulsar pirate race and undermining charity. His boner pierced the 12th dimension, causing everything that ever was and never will be to coalesce into a singular point. That singularity was the zygote which would become Gregory House. It laughed.


	3. The Monkey Overlord Cuddy's Last Stand

Gregory House's reincarnation was an event the entire vast universe gazed upon with utmost glee. A radiant, radioactive light contrasted his holy figure against the abysmal blackness of the universe which preceded him. Clad in pearly white scrubs, he stepped forward to greet his people. It was then they noticed he was an ape.

The legions of alien people from across the universe laughed in unison. They howled at the sight of House's simian ears, lips, nose, and hands. He glared. They shut the fuck up.

"You DARE laugh at your simian overlord?!" House melted one pitiful fuckling with his cane, as an example to all the others. They immediately set to work rebuilding the hospital, under House's rules:

1. All people are stupid. Some are just fatter than others.

2. The universe's supply of Vicodin must pass through me.

3. If Cuddy tries to write you a prescription, she's high. Ignore her, always, for she is always wrong and likes to smell my farts.

4. Apes are a type of monkey. The presence or absence of a tail is irrelevant. You will refer to me as your Monkey Overlord. Learn phylogenetics, or else.

5. Monkeys are not funny; we are evil bastards and should be feared. We destroyed the universe twice. We are not here to amuse you with shit-flinging contests. Laugh at me and you shall never synthesize vitamin C ever again.

6. My penis is perfect.

7. My cane is the unholy harbinger of the end of all time and space. You will not touch it or even have wet dreams about it.

8. These rules are in effect across the universe as well. This hospital is your Monkey Overlord's palace and shall be treated as sacred ground. Do not shit in it.

9. If anyone dares try to math, don't.

10. For the last time, it's not fucking lupus.

The scroll was signed in House's blood, writ with the end of his death cane. The united races of the universe worshipped the sheet of paper, for if it were to be damaged, even by a smidgen, the wrath of the Monkey Overlord would be upon them. The sky would open up, and it would rain pieces of mortal souls converted to searing hot caramel lava, which was not truly caramel but monster truck piss fermented in Robert Chase's ovaries. They worked harder, feverishly erecting the diamond and yttrium statue of their Monkey Overlord.

From the masses of dirty peasants slaving hard rose a challenger, namely one Lisa Cuddy.

"HOUSE...YouR PENis IS INaDEQUAte...Not...PERFecTIoN...!" Her hands exploded, forming in their place serrated corkscrew scythes forged from lava mantis blood and agony itself. Cuddy launched herself towards the hospital and decimated the shit out of it upon impact. The Monkey Overlord's PSP session had been interrupted. The apocalypse was nigh.

House, who was no longer the Monkey Overlord since Cuddy's bravery had sparked a universe-wide rebellion, grabbed his cane and swung at Cuddy, who caught it with her rocketits. She had stopped it from bisecting the universe, but the impact had activated its anti-spacetime bomb counter. With only 5 minutes until the universe ended, there was but one thing Cuddy could do.

Cuddy throttled her way through the cosmos, through space and time. House pursued her, his eyes flooded with such undrainable rage, they could kill all dark matter at the wink of an eye. He spewed tears of acid at Cuddy, who evaded most of them but was stricken by a few. Reviling in pain, it took all of her willpower not to let go of the cane.

House caught up to her, using the aftermath of his caffeine delivery system as NOS. He bit her with all 67 of his teeth, which were not teeth but rusted paper clips recycled from the trash bins of the filthy console gaming peasants. He did not sever her hand, so he lost the game and would leave with a silver trophy. Furious, he punched Cuddy with his secret flaming fist technique. His arm was actually a Power Glove.

The punch caused terrible internal damage to Cuddy. She concentrated the remainder of her strength into her rocketits, generaing such thrust that she blasted House back to the third dimension and rocketed herself out of space and time and into nothingness itself. She was just in time.

Cuddy's noble sacrifice would not go unnoticed, for it was witnessed across the multiverse, the inconceivably massive explosion of the cane truly capable of wiping out all that would ever be. The diverse peoples of the universe and beyond smashed the fuck out of House's statue, and in its place erected a flawlessly sculpted statue of their savior, Lisa Cuddy, carved from diamond forged at the heart of Jeremiah. With the universe now safe from the perpetual threat of his cane, House was thrown into space alcatraz, where he was tortured day and night with barbed wire dildos and flaming Chinese water. Yet, throughout all his suffering, they could never break his unshakeable cynicism. The commonwealth of the multiverse at last reached a consensus on House's mental disorder: they diagnosed him as terminally snarkoleptic. Every day and every night, no matter how much pain they inflicted upon him, House laughed.


End file.
